This week’s Bizarre Friday (the first, actually!) brings you, in cooperation with What you could be watching if we had lost the Cold War, Sergei Kuchkov’s 1993 masterpiece, Monstry. From what my deteriorating Russian can decipher from the web and the snippet, the film is about the effects of Russian nuclear safety (or, rather, the absence thereof). That includes huge turtles who bleed ketchup and the brave Red Army Armed Forces of the Soviet Union Russian Federation (can’t get this right today for my life) soldiers that take it on. Not just any old plain giant turtles: huge turtles that have a skin of Kevlar (but can be defeated by throwing a grenade at them.

In Western Europe, you’d say acid trip. Except I grew up in the East, so I know that they actually, yes, did mean it.

Seriously.